A Day with the Cullens
by Tiny Wolverine
Summary: A oneshot crackfic. The usual day with the Cullens. Bella is a vampire. But... no Nessie or Jacob! Flames are welcome, because this is just a crackfic with no plot. FLAAAAAMES! Very random. Ideas by J-Dawg and Andyy.


**A Day with the Cullens**

_A crackfic by Dawn. Fire. Angel_

**This oneshot is dedicated to the two and only J-DAWG and ANDY!!! (Andy's a nickname... and so is J-Dawg) The random ideas are by the two of them, and them only. They needed my wonderful writing skills (of course! Heheh) to write it properly. =3=3 Just kidding. They want to be famous, that's all. (Author glares at them) Forgive me if I slip and say something REALLY random, like pineapples, because I'm currently in the state of drunkness. **

**Oh, and please wish my brother HAPPY BIRTHDAY!!! He's sixteen... =3=3**

**Ummm... Since I am not SM, I do not own Twilight, and somehow, I'm not very happy about that. **

**On with the show! This is just a oneshot by the way. But I think I mentioned that.**

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**A Day with the Cullens**

"Jazzy!!! WHERE IS MY BEAUTIFUL JAZZY???"

So screamed Emmett as he thundered around the house, searching for Jasper in a very un-vampirish way. He had just run through the woods, and Alice found him crying because he lost Jasper in a game of Cat and Mouse. Jasper being the mouse, of course.

Esme tutted when she saw the muddy tracks left by the big bear tearing through the house, and started to yell at Emmett.

"Yo, Emmett Cullen! How _many_ times to I have to tell you to _clean_ your feet when you run in from the God-damned _woods_?" When Emmett started to protest, she mocked him with a babyish voice, then snapped a finger to the bathroom. "Go get the fucking broom! ... For the millionth time today," she added under her breath.

Carlisle trembled at the sight of his wife's furious face when she re-entered the kitchen. He gasped at the glare she gave him and quickly grabbed the knife lying next to him, forgetting that it was a bread-knife in his rush to not be scolded by Esme.

"Why," she began in a dangerous voice, "are you cutting my _meat_ with a _fucking bread-knife_?"

Carlisle squeaked and ducked under the table, trembling violently.

Outside, in the hall, Rosalie, Bella and Alice were calling for Edward, who was in hiding.

"Edward! Eddie-poo, where are yooou??" Alice called out in a voice that was meant to be seductive. Unfortunately for her, it fell flat.

"Edward, my beautiful darling, where are you hiding? Here, boy, I'll protect you from the Bad Bella and Agonizing Alice!" Rosalie cooed. "Don't worry, Rosie here will protect you!"

"Here, Eddie! Here, boy! I've got something for you!" Bella purred, fluttering her lashes like he could see her. Which he can. Alice turned on the two of them.

Edward, hiding in his special hidey-hole, saw what was happening through the peephole he had created himself, and thought, _Oh, boy. Here we go again._

"Edward is _mine!"_

" No, he's _mine! I'm_ his singer, not you!_"_

"Shut up, the both of you. We all know that he loves _me._ Just crawl back under your rocks and watch us live a life together."

"Get lost, Rose!" Alice and Bella chimed in together.

Emmett finished cleaning the floor and charged to his room, where he found Jasper lying in a seductive position, wearing women's lingerie. Bright pink, Emmett's favourite colour. Jasper winked at Emmett, standing up to pose, and Emmett drooled, shutting the door behind him.

Okay, no more about that. Somehow, I don't think any of you would want to know exactly what happened. But believe you me, it's not pretty.

Back to Esme and Carlisle.

"NOOO!! DON'T KILL ME, ESME!" he wailed as Esme whacked his head on the countertop. He had forgotten that he can't be killed. Poor man.

"DON'T – EVER – USE – MY – BREAD-KNIFE – TO – CUT – MY – BEEF!" Although, why she wanted to cut beef was beyond everyone. Vampires don't eat. Funny she should forget.

"I beg of you, Esme! Don't hurt meeee!!" he wailed, whacking his own head with such force that the whole countertop cracked and sank underground. It wailed, too. Carlisle and Esme stared at the sinking countertop, and Carlisle blinked. "Oh, man."

Another unpleasant sight. I'll spare your minds from this animosity.

Edward decided that it was time to sneak out of his hidey hole and try to dash past them and run to the Volturi to get himself killed so as not to hear this anymore. Slowly now, gently...

"There he is!" Bella yelled over the hubbub.

Damn. Here we go again.

_Run Edward!_ His mind screamed at him, and run he did.

"Come backkk!!!" the three girls shrieked, trying to keep up.

"Help meeeee!!!" Edward yelled as he ran in circles, and was eventually taken down by Rosalie. The three girls proceeded to drag him back into the house in chains.

So, this is a day with the Cullens. Don't you just wish they were part of _your _family? (smile, smile)

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**Review!**


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